Just because

IDK-emo moment?

Posted by Lams on 8:43 PM

This just isnt getting any better. You had an effect on me. I dont know why...but you did and now im sitting here crying like a motherfucking dumbass. I dont know why. That was random. 


All this time I thought maybe I should leave out some shit from my blog just so that I can seem like a normal, perfect, happy teenager..like some do. But I guess Im not. Damn. 
So here goes. 
1] I hate this. I hate you. I hate me. I hate THIS. You should already know by now that I'm and will always be a failure. You just should, because that is what I repeatedly hear from you. Oh and I still remember that day you blamed me for everything and hit me. Don't pretend like it never happened. *Btw, if anyone is reading this, dont jump to conclusions whether or not who this is about. Okay? Because you dont know anything about this and it should remain that way. So just dont try to guess. You'll end up guessing wrong.*
2] I hate my my choice of judgement. I suck at it. I always end up making things worse or just choosing what will hurt me the most. Maybe its meant to happen. Who knows. After all not everyone can be happy the whole time in the world right? There needs to be a balance and I guess I fall under those unfortunate ones who end up wanting to kill themselves because of bad luck. No, Im not emo. Idk, maybe I just think emo. Yea whatever.
3] For some reason, I end up despising myself for everything I do. I dont know. I get attached easily then I end up getting hurt then I hate myself for it. Even with friends. I shouldnt but I do. I get attached with friends and then I have to leave them and probably never see them again. I hate that because then what is the point of telling them about how shit your life is if you wont be able to do that anymore? and even if you could *thanks to technology* You cant cry to them. You cant hug them. Then you feel completely lonely and worthless. 
That is probably why Im stuck with the idea that I wont be missed after Im dead. Its like Im just here for no reason. Or wait one reason: to be the guinea pig(reasons - maybe I shouldnt tell you. I wont. I know better than that).
4] I get too sad easily. I know I should be grateful for shit in my life and I am but when I get sad its uncontrollably deep. Like deep sadness, as in "Fuck the World, Fuck you, Fuck me, I want to die" sadness.
5] I cant ever express myself. Well I can, cause Im doing that now. But not in front of the people I really want to. I've been trained and surpressed that way. That whatever I think or dont think is not important. Thanks.
6] If you're not happy then dont come telling me about it and making me feel bad. Dont tell me that I'm the only reason. I dont want to be your only reason. If you want to leave then just leave. But I dont want to hear about how I messed up your happiness and freedom and that Im hindering you from getting it back. Im not. I honestly dont care. Just stop blaming me for it. I didnt do anything. This is your problem, you figure it out. Yes, I will sound like a bitch now. Its because Im sick of hearing this same damn fucking story.
7] You all should see something related to 'fakers' in all my angry or sad notes. That's because I have too many of them in my life. I hate them. I hate fakers. I hate liars. I hate. Okay, now I really do sound emo. Yeah whatever, I'll just name this as my emo moment. 
 Okay yeah, thats enough for now. I think thats enough for life. Maybe I dont know. I might come back later and write more about the fucking shit that happens. I probabaly wont because I dont want to sit here and write about shit andnot have anyone or anything to comfort me about it. I dont like that. Yes, it helps me express myself a little. But I want to cry. I want to actually cry and be able to be comforted by someone. 
I dont have that. Now that is depressing. I dont have anyone that I can fully trust and tell them this shit. If I do, its Noura  KJ and they live so fucking far away. Norz tries her best and she does make me smile most of the time but sometimes I need her to be here. I need her to actually watch me cry like a baby to understand how I feel and I need to her here so I can hug her when I dont have anything to say but just need a friend. I have tons of friends, its not like Im a loner, but they are all so happy and problem free most of the time that they dont understand when I tell them even the littlest shit. How will they understand the big ones? Noura is the only who does. She understands me and she knows me, almost too well. Its nice to have someone like that. I just wish you were here right now. I need someone to hug. and I MISS KJ. Our retardness always cheers me up. I NEED TO SEE HER <3


This isnt working. This just makes me cry more for no apparent reason. 


Well atleast I've stopped faking myself( yes Im a hypocrite) and Ive started to ACTUALLY write my FEELINGS down...and not just the happy shit. I guess there are too many people to write the happy shit.


Well I'm going to go now. This is pointless. No one reads this anyway. But if they do, I dont know if I want to know because then I'll probably feel bad that they know and they dont think of me as 'normal' anymore.


Bye.